Raghav was abused as a child by his neighbour and has now grown into a proud gay man. Was there a connection between his abuse, his sexual appetite and his sexuality? He’ll probably never know, but he does know that it was a horrible thing that happened and hopes this piece of unabashed writing saves the next child abuse victim.
Raghav
Child abuse is something that shouldn’t happen but happens far too often. I have gone through this at a very young age not knowing what was happening to me and here I am as a survivor, begging for a saner approach to sexual expression.
I was four years old when my neighbour initiated me into finding pleasure in my body. I was very emotionally attached to him. I guess I was about seven years old when he passed away. He not only abused me but another boy as well who was a year younger to me. Many years after his death we continued to enjoy each other’s company: hugging, kissing and spending lot of time without any clothes. All this happened without even knowing the meaning of sex!
Looking back at that experience now, I feel happy that I spent splendid evenings with the younger boy. We had a monogamous relationship between ourselves. I also did not really bother to look at other guys. But things had started changing. I never felt attracted to girls. I started finding guys more attractive and I did not know how to control my emotions and desires of sleeping nude with guys.
When I was nine years old, I seduced an older cousin of mine. I ensured that he got physical with me. I continued to have sex with him until I was twenty. After that, I had a lot of confidence to seduce other guys as well. It so happened that I managed to seduce another cousin of mine soon after, but we did not really enjoy it that much.
The seducing did not stop there. I was enjoying myself, doing what I probably should not have been doing. I once spent a few days of my summer vacation at a cousin's place and I happened to meet a guy in the neighbourhood. I managed to get physical with him too! He said he had done something like this before with another older neighbour! Are neighbours popular child abusers, I seem to wonder now?
Years had passed. My expertise had widened. And, I had become a more confident boy. It was a wedding celebration. I happened to meet a guest, who was not from Hyderabad. We started talking and guess what happened next? He was nude with me in bed. I felt as if I had achieved something priceless! I discovered I was no longer a boy, but a MAN! Eventually, I gained enough expertise to seduce someone slightly older. My next victim was a guy who was a male servant at my neighbour's house. We managed to have sex many times as he always had a place.
I don’t want to sound like an erotic gay story writer. But let’s talk numbers. I had managed to seduce about eighteen guys before I turned fifteen. I always felt it was a huge accomplishment, but I failed to realise how bad I should have felt when I abused a seven year old neighbour when I was fifteen. Was I turning into another predator? I spent many a sleepless night and decided that what I was doing was wrong. Now, I feel more attracted to someone older than me. Presently, I am sleeping with a fifty year old father of two kids, one of whom is the same age as me. Also, I am planning to settle down with a forty six year old Swiss guy, Chris, who is nineteen years older than me. I met Chris when I was in Delhi through a common friend. Six years have passed and we have met a couple of times. We also went on a holiday together and now we want to get married in Switzerland. We plan to discuss more of this in our upcoming holiday in Colombo. Some how the thought of making a commitment and living in a monogamous relationship is something I find difficult to comprehend.
I often ask myself, how would life have been for me, had I not been abused? Probably, I may have been married to a woman in a heterosexual relationship. I am not sure whether the child abuse had any impact on my sexual preference. These are questions I could only speculate upon. The only thing I would like to highlight here is sex is fun when it is between two adults who know what they are doing.
Child abuse can ruin a child’s future and can have a lot of impact on his behaviour. I urge all gay men to stay away from children and protect children from predators. I am now twenty seven years old. I am more matured, and understand what is right and wrong. However, I wish I was protected as a kid. The sad part was I always called my abuser “Amar Bhayya.” How can a twenty five year old Bhayya seduce a younger brother? I realise that such things happen in every corner of this country. Most child abuse comes from the neighbour next door, the uncle married to that aunty or the friendly young man around the corner.
Can we create a society which is safer for children? Let us say NO to Child Abuse and create a society that is more sensitive to children and their needs.
Raghav is an IT professional working in Hyderabad. He loves travelling and he is the brand ambassador for The Body Shop
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